How the ‘Hrabluk No’ Can Get You To Yes
Fortnite never made it onto my daughter’s phone thanks to The Hrabluk No.
That’s her name for my particular way of parenting, and I’ll happily claim the title.
Let’s set the scene.
I’m sitting on the living room couch with a mug of tea and a book when my daughter, then in middle school, enters.
“Hey, Mom, can I download Fortnite?”
“Um, okay, but with one condition.”
She cocks her head and stares at me.
“Uh-huh…”
“Well, I’ve been reading that some parents are observing an increase in aggressive behaviour from their kids after extended exposure to the game. I trust you, so you can download the game but let’s agree to monitor and observe if you start behaving differently. Sound good?”
Rolls eyes and huffs.
“So that’s a no.”
“No, I trust you, but I just want us to agree we’ll see what happens.”
Rolls eyes again.
“Well, I don’t want to get aggressive and angry, so I won’t download the game.”
“Seriously, I’m okay with you downloading the game.”
Stares at me and snorts.
“That’s a Hrabluk no.”
“A what?”
A Hrabluk no. You make it sound so unappealing I don’t want it anymore.”
End scene.
When I told my husband that story a couple of weeks ago, he laughed and said, “I think I’ve gotten the Hrabluk No a few times too.”
[Insert wicked laugh here.]
I like to tell the story of my daughter and Fortnite because it has a funny kids-say-the-darndest-things vibe, and it is a simple example of what can happen when we learn to merge traditional authority with a more equitable form of leadership.
As I’ve described in earlier columns (links below), we are making history. We are transitioning from the centuries-long industrial age into a still not-fully defined knowledge age, from a world powered by steam to a world powered by information, much of which is transmitted via digital networks.
That technological and economic shift isn’t just changing how we work; it is changing what we value, and that values shift sits at the centre of most of our conflicts.
For centuries our preferred organizational model of choice was hierarchies, which value:
- Control to conserve energy and guard against threats;
- Command to push information and instructions out from the few to the many;
- Order to ensure everything has its place, and there’s a place for everything; and,
- Fixed roles and responsibilities to create clear boundaries of thought, deed and direction.
However, by the turn of this century, networks had moved in, bringing with them values of:
- Access to infinite resources and pathways;
- Exchange of resources between and by the many;
- Speed of exchange to accelerate access; and,
- Mobility to lower and eliminate boundaries.
The former offers certainty, while the latter gives us flexibility, and we’re struggling to figure out how to balance these opposing forces.
With that in mind, let’s take another look at that amusing mother-daughter chat through the lens of shifting values.
1. I ceded some control to give my daughter access to decision-making. As the authority figure, I could have just said ‘no’…but that might have caused a fight, and it certainly would have bred some tween resentment.
2. I offered shared responsibility and an active role in decision-making. My daughter got a qualified yes if she agreed to actively participate in monitoring and future decision-making. We were in this together.
3. I provided credible information for her to examine that supported my decision. I told her what I’d read and my concerns and offered to share the Globe and Mail and New York Times stories with her. I didn’t simply expect her to accept my information as fact; I gave her the data to read and decide for herself.
4. I clearly defined each of our roles, responsibilities, and time frame. First, she would download the game, and then we would monitor what happened, report to each other, and discuss the results.
5. She made the final decision, base on our exchange. In about five minutes, my daughter processed all the information, considered her options, and opted not to download Fortnite. She knew she could download it anytime in the future, but she never did. She probably played it with friends, which she knew I was okay with, and moved on to other games.
In the language of organizational leadership, I blended the hierarchical certainty that order and fixed roles bring with the flexibility of a network via access and exchange to create a model of shared power through shared decision-making.
And that’s how The Hrabluk No can help you, your family and your organization get to yes.
